8 top

It's the third week in and the reservation books for a Tuesday night are: a 10 top, 3 top, 3-4 top, and a 2 top that canceled. Then the 3-4 top canceled. Then the 10 turned into an 8. That's the way it goes in the biz sometimes.

The shift begins with trying to level out 4 tables that have varying heights and problems with the "feet". Anyone in the biz knows how to level tables. And I'm not talking about stuffing a matchbook or wadded up napkins, or coasters under the table until it's leveled. I'm not even talking about the famous wobble wedge, a piece of plastic specifically made for correcting the problem of wobbly tables.

What I'm talking about when I say "fix the table from shaking" is getting down and dirty with the table. You have to flip the dirty table over and see what's going on underneath. The tables are actually designed to level to different heights on different floors. These "feet" are adjustable and screw in and out. Simple enough, so it seems. Of course, some asshole screwed in the wrong size foot into 2 of the tables and one of them had a screw cut off, which means it's basically screwed. Pun intended.

Anyway, all of this is just trouble shooting which is actually fun for me. It's when the 8 top that comes in that I know it's going to be one of those nights. Not busy at all but annoying as fuck and not very rewarding.

Lady 1 comes first and is pretty nice, orders a glass of wine with out many questions. Ladies 2 and 3 come next. 2 is a complete fucken nightmare. Full on red alert. She informs me that they ALL want separate checks. GREAT! She scans the wine list and tells me she'll have the wine from the Loire valley because the best wine are from California and France.

WRONG! France is 1/2 right, but California is so 1999 right now. I bring her the rose she orders and she says "I don't want this, I wanted white". I pointed to the menu and said, well you ordered a Rose. I asked her what she wanted instead and she couldn't decide, so lady 3 offered to trade her pinot grigio for the rose. I'm sure she would have been mortified if she found out it was from Argentina.

Finally the rest of the NJ housewife looking bitches file in and barley look up as i try to take their drink order. The birthday girl complains about drinks not being strong enough, even though she has not yet had one. I explained that the drinks are specific recipes and need to be consistent with a standard pour. If she was getting drinks elsewhere to get tanked, they were making them wrong. It's a good value for the customer, but incorrect and not profitable for the restaurant. I tell her she should get a vodka on the rocks. And make it a double if she wants to get wasted.

She finally decides on a drink and before i can bring it over, the bartender kindly does it for me. Unfortunately, he spills a little of the drink on the birthday bitches suede jacket. Flash back to upper east side Manhattan and very expensive jackets that people seem to wear around waiters that are pretty much drunk, stoned, and hoped up on goof balls. Luckily, she said, it's not that expensive as I carefully dab the liquid off her stupid jacket.

They ask every question in the book, most of them twice because no one is paying attention. I ask if they are ready and one starts ordering, but she is clearly not ready, none of them are. I tell them I"ll be back and another lady shouts that she's ready. I tell her that I"m going to take everyone's order at one time. Peace out bitch.

At last i demand an order. I try to go around the table and there begins the modification. Is this too spicy? What is the best dish? Where are the specials? I don't like cheese, no tomatoes! We want separate checks!! Why did they appetizers come out with the salads and before the main course that I ordered as appetizers to share?

One annoyance and disrespectful thing after another. I would never treat anyone like that, especially a waitress, they handle what I'm putting in my body. After the main course is served and they are actually happy and I start to relax and I decide that I"m going to go all out and do everything they wanted. I wanted to go out with a bang.

I did the split checks, all 8, itemized! I also brought a free dessert to the very obnoxious birthday girl and get everyone to sing a slurred version of happy birthday. Everyone clapped, ignored me more and walked out.

It all worked out splendidly.